We’re all familiar with this scene. A few years back at Wal-mart, I observed a boy who looked to be about 2 years old pitching a fit. He was loud and very obviously expressing to his mother that he was not going to do as she had told him. At the time, I did not have any children and I thought, “that lady needs to get her son under control. He only acts that way in public because she allows him to do so at home.” Now, as a mother, when I see that scene, I am very empathetic. I realize that the mom is probably having a hard, busy day as her toddler tests his boundaries in public.
However, I still I think I’m one of the world’s worst in this area. I want to be the perfect parent; I want Nathan to be the perfect child; I take his disobedience personally at times. On my list of priorities, my role as a mother falls only behind my personal relationship with God and my role as a wife. The rest of my family, involvement in ministry, my students…all of those are well behind my focus on parenting.
Recently, Christianity Today featured an article entitled, “The Myth of the Perfect Parent”, and it immediately caught my eye. In part of the article, the author lists some bad parental examples found in the Bible; parents whose children are listed in Hebrews 11. How can that be? We also see the heart of the Father through God as He guides the children of Israel throughout the Old Testament. Certainly He was perfect and they were far from it.
Leslie Leyland Fields says, “We must assume, then, that there is serious error in our beliefs about parenting. We have made far too much of ourselves and far too little of God, reflecting our sinful bent to see ourselves as more essential and in control than we actually are.” She suggests, that we must stop evaluating ourselves with “Am I parenting successfully?”, but rather ask “Am I parenting faithfully?” In the example of the prophet, Ezekiel, she shows that God had given a job to him, telling him to give a message and be faithful, despite the hardness of the pepole’s hearts. This greatly burdened and saddened Ezekiel, who wanted to see repentence from the Israelites. Nonetheless, Ezekiel was not held accountable for the response of the people, rather only for his faithfulness and obedience to God.
According to Fields, “It is likely that we are asking the wrong questions as parents. We are so focused on ourselves–on our own need for success and the success of our children–that we have come to view parenting as a performance or a test. We cannot pass this test, I’m afraid, nor could we ever. If we are graded on a curve, we will always find parents and children who are more obedient, more joyful, and more peaceful than we are. If we are graded instead on an absolute scale–as I believe we are–we fail even more miserably. But this is why a Savior was provided, and gifted to us through grace, through faith. If even our ability to believe in God is given to us by God, then how much of parenting can we perform on our own? We must proceed, then, on our knees first, beggars before the throne, if we are to parent well.
We must rethink our assumptions and our calling as well. We are responsible to teach our children the fear of the Lord. But we must be clear about our own limits. We are not capable of producing perfect followers of Christ, as if we were perfect ourselves. Our work canot purchase anyone else’s salvation or sanctification. We will parent imperfectly, our children will make their own choices, and God will mysteriously and wondrously us it all to advance His kingdom.”
As I read this article, it was easy for me to see that my focus is in error at times. As a mother, it is my responsibility to be obedient to God, teaching Nathan the fear of the LORD, and I must, as hard as it is, leave the outcome to God. I’m thankful that He knows better than me and that things will work out better if I give my child to Him, rather than taking it all into my own hands. It is much easier for me to give myself over to God than to give those close to me over to Him, but God is working on my heart, teaching me about trust and faith.
I really like the way the article concluded. “We are not sovereign over our children–only God is. Children are not tomatoes to stake out or mules to train, nor are they numbers to plug into an equation. They are full human beings wondrously and fearfully made. Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, and steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God’s grace, our children will grow up to become.”
With each passing day, Nathan is becoming more and more independent. Lately, he insists on dressing himself. While this independence is a natural part of him growing up and is neccessary, sometimes it’s pretty funny. In the picture he was getting ready for church and really struggling to get his shirt on, stumbling all over the room and refusing any help from me. “I can do it by myself!” he kept saying.
